My Cautionary Tale

           April 3^rd, 2014, after a colonoscopy, is the first day the word tumor appeared in my life. A week later it was confirmed through the results of the biopsy done during my colonoscopy that I had colon cancer. Then came a “routine” CT scan of the pelvis and abdomen. That scan showed I had stage IV colon cancer; the cancer had spread to my liver with over 40 lesions there- as my oncologist would tell me later, “Your liver was more disease than liver.” Within the month I had a port surgically implanted in my chest for chemotherapy, and I began the first of what is now 132 chemotherapy treatments and counting. As of this writing it’s been 5 years since my diagnosis. Statistically only 14% of people diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer live that long (though that number seems to be growing steadily, if slowly). Some people celebrate their “Cancerversary”- the date they were diagnosed. I’d rather not give cancer top billing- it takes so much as it is, why give it that too? Living 5 yeas with this disease where the median average survival rate is 25 months (I’ve now made 60) has given me a lot of time to think about how I got here. How did my life get so fucked up? Am I to blame for what happened to me? Why did it happen to me? Were there signs I missed? Ignored? The simple answers are cancer, yes, bad luck, yes, and yes. However those simple answers are not why I’m writing today. I’m writing today so you can see that what’s happening to me could have been prevented- I could have prevented it, if I had spoken up sooner and not ignored the signs. Colon cancer is preventable if caught early enough. Maybe after reading this some of you will know what those signs are and speak up and prevent yourself from getting it.

            About 10 years before my diagnosis (give or take a year or 2) I noticed bleeding when I had a bowel movement. This went on for a while until one day I saw a lot of blood in the bowl. That scared me, so I called my Dr. and made an appointment. After examining me, he told me that it was hemorrhoids and nothing to worry about, and that we could treat it. This was my first rectal exam, and like most people it was not my favorite experience. So thinking it was nothing dangerous I went about my merry way. As time progressed the bleeding happened more often to where it was happening pretty much every time I went to the bathroom. The bleeding wasn’t just when wiping, but sometimes there was blood in the bowl, and in my stool. All of this was pointing to a larger problem that I was ignoring.

            I was ignoring it by telling myself “It’s only hemorrhoids” and “it’s not anything serious”. Also, I didn’t want another rectal exam. A Dr. would ask me if I was bleeding when I went to the bathroom and I would say no. Yup, I lied to my doctors. I just put my head in the sand, which of course left my ass in the air. I lived with this, and ignored it for the better part of a decade, until March of 2014 when I complained of constipation to my Dr. and he sent me for a colonoscopy (which I have previously detailed here). I finally listened to my body and to what it was trying to tell me for years. Unfortunately, by that time it was too late for me. It went from something that could be cured if caught early enough to something that was going to kill me. Don’t let it be too late for you. Listen to your body. Get checked if something is wrong- if there’s blood in the bowl when you have a bowel movement (especially dark blood), if your stool is tarry black and/or has blood in it, if there are changes in your bowel habits. See your doctor. Get screened. One bad night of preparation for a colonoscopy or one rectal exam is far better than any day of chemotherapy and if you’re like me, a stage 4 death sentence.

            People have told me I’m an inspiration because of the way I’ve handled having cancer. A dubious honor I would rather never have. I handle it the only way I know how, because of who I am. Cancer changes you in many ways, steals many things from you, but it doesn’t change who you are. Please take my word for it- don’t test the theory for yourself. I’m not someone whose footsteps you want to follow. Mainly because the amount of footsteps I have left are a lot fewer than I, or anyone would like. I know I’d like more, but I know I’m not going to get them. Make sure you get as many as you can. I’m not an inspirational tale; I’m a cautionary one.

Interlude 1: The Colonoscopy

I know the last entry was pretty heavy, so I thought I’d take a break from the overall arch of my journey and lighten the mood with the story of my first Colonoscopy. Yes, the story of my first Colonoscopy is going to lighten the mood. Let’s start with what happened after the test…

After my Colonoscopy was finished they had to wake me up from the anesthesia. At the time of the test I had been up for over 24 hours, and the anesthesia was a welcome deep sleep for me. They asked me if I could dress myself, and I said sure. I’m still not sure how I managed to do that without injuring myself, because after the nurse guided me out to the car where my girlfriend waited, as I’ve mentioned previously, I couldn’t even fasten my own seatbelt. I tried to buckle up, flailing away. After more than a few misses, my girlfriend gently reached over and buckled me up. It was here that I had the “Why didn’t anyone tell me the results?” fiasco mentioned in my first post. As you may or may not know, they don’t release you after the Colonoscopy until you’ve passed gas. I don’t remember doing this, but my girlfriend tells me that I told her (which I also don’t remember) I was “blowing the place up” right after they finished, which I emphasized by verbally making the noises for her. Ah dignity, why hast thou forsaken me?

At this point I was famished so we decided to go get something to eat. We went to a diner I know, because I wanted corned beef hash and eggs. I lost 7 pounds during the prep for the Colonoscopy- time to get some of it back! Most of the diners there were senior citizens. In I walk with my girlfriend- who is several years younger than me. As we’re being seated, still feeling pretty happy from the anesthesia, I lean down and whisper to my girlfriend, “How does it feel to lower the average age in here to breathing?” My girlfriend has since told me that I was not whispering at all, that I said it in a Christian Bale inspired Batman voice- that carried. She says that more than one of the older ladies in the restaurant gave me death glares.

We order, and as we’re waiting for our food, I realize I have to urinate. So I get up and somehow manage to get myself to the bathroom. At this point I don’t trust myself to do that standing up, so I use one of the stalls. I then return to our table. After eating my first meal in 36 hours, I find that I have to urinate again- go figure. So back I go into the bathroom- I still don’t trust myself not to pee everywhere so I sit in a stall again. It’s when I’m done and washing my hands that I look around and see there are no urinals in the bathroom. That’s when it hits me- I’m in the Ladies Room- for the 2^nd time. Amazingly there were no women in either time, and no one came in while I was there. After we pay the check my girlfriend drives me home where I relax for the rest of the day.

As I mentioned, my Primary Care Physician told me to get a Colonoscopy after I was having problems with constipation. So, I went to my Gastroenterologist to have a consultation and we made an appointment for the procedure the next week at 7:30AM. At this point my biggest fear was the preparation for the Colonoscopy. We’ve all heard (and some have experienced) horror stories about the prep for a Colonoscopy. Drinking a gallon of foul tasting liquid, and then spending hours on the toilet while your body cleans itself out. I got lucky. My Dr. prescribed Prepopik. And while I’m not saying I want to drink this regularly, it is much easier than the older, more standard prep. Basically after you’ve been on a clear liquid diet for 24 hours (just like all other preps) you mix the Prepopik powder with 5 ounces of water and drink it at 5 PM. It tastes like stale Tang. You are then instructed to drink 5 8-ounce glasses of water in the next 5 hours. At 10PM you drink another 5 ounces of Prepopik, and have to drink 3 more 8-ounce glasses of water in the next three hours.

I didn’t know how long it would take for the Prepopik to kick in, so after about 45 minutes with just a bit of a grumbly stomach, I called the Dr. Before he could call back saying it takes about an hour for it to start, I had my first hint of the cleansing to come. If you haven’t done it, just think of it as someone turning on a faucet that comes out your ass. And it proceeded to do that off and on- but mostly on- until about 5:30 the next morning. Without getting too graphic, it was not a pleasant experience. Of course the tumor they would find during the test didn’t make things any easier. I’ve been told I’m full of shit, but after that long night, no more!