Interlude 1: The Colonoscopy

I know the last entry was pretty heavy, so I thought I’d take a break from the overall arch of my journey and lighten the mood with the story of my first Colonoscopy. Yes, the story of my first Colonoscopy is going to lighten the mood. Let’s start with what happened after the test…

After my Colonoscopy was finished they had to wake me up from the anesthesia. At the time of the test I had been up for over 24 hours, and the anesthesia was a welcome deep sleep for me. They asked me if I could dress myself, and I said sure. I’m still not sure how I managed to do that without injuring myself, because after the nurse guided me out to the car where my girlfriend waited, as I’ve mentioned previously, I couldn’t even fasten my own seatbelt. I tried to buckle up, flailing away. After more than a few misses, my girlfriend gently reached over and buckled me up. It was here that I had the “Why didn’t anyone tell me the results?” fiasco mentioned in my first post. As you may or may not know, they don’t release you after the Colonoscopy until you’ve passed gas. I don’t remember doing this, but my girlfriend tells me that I told her (which I also don’t remember) I was “blowing the place up” right after they finished, which I emphasized by verbally making the noises for her. Ah dignity, why hast thou forsaken me?

At this point I was famished so we decided to go get something to eat. We went to a diner I know, because I wanted corned beef hash and eggs. I lost 7 pounds during the prep for the Colonoscopy- time to get some of it back! Most of the diners there were senior citizens. In I walk with my girlfriend- who is several years younger than me. As we’re being seated, still feeling pretty happy from the anesthesia, I lean down and whisper to my girlfriend, “How does it feel to lower the average age in here to breathing?” My girlfriend has since told me that I was not whispering at all, that I said it in a Christian Bale inspired Batman voice- that carried. She says that more than one of the older ladies in the restaurant gave me death glares.

We order, and as we’re waiting for our food, I realize I have to urinate. So I get up and somehow manage to get myself to the bathroom. At this point I don’t trust myself to do that standing up, so I use one of the stalls. I then return to our table. After eating my first meal in 36 hours, I find that I have to urinate again- go figure. So back I go into the bathroom- I still don’t trust myself not to pee everywhere so I sit in a stall again. It’s when I’m done and washing my hands that I look around and see there are no urinals in the bathroom. That’s when it hits me- I’m in the Ladies Room- for the 2^nd time. Amazingly there were no women in either time, and no one came in while I was there. After we pay the check my girlfriend drives me home where I relax for the rest of the day.

As I mentioned, my Primary Care Physician told me to get a Colonoscopy after I was having problems with constipation. So, I went to my Gastroenterologist to have a consultation and we made an appointment for the procedure the next week at 7:30AM. At this point my biggest fear was the preparation for the Colonoscopy. We’ve all heard (and some have experienced) horror stories about the prep for a Colonoscopy. Drinking a gallon of foul tasting liquid, and then spending hours on the toilet while your body cleans itself out. I got lucky. My Dr. prescribed Prepopik. And while I’m not saying I want to drink this regularly, it is much easier than the older, more standard prep. Basically after you’ve been on a clear liquid diet for 24 hours (just like all other preps) you mix the Prepopik powder with 5 ounces of water and drink it at 5 PM. It tastes like stale Tang. You are then instructed to drink 5 8-ounce glasses of water in the next 5 hours. At 10PM you drink another 5 ounces of Prepopik, and have to drink 3 more 8-ounce glasses of water in the next three hours.

I didn’t know how long it would take for the Prepopik to kick in, so after about 45 minutes with just a bit of a grumbly stomach, I called the Dr. Before he could call back saying it takes about an hour for it to start, I had my first hint of the cleansing to come. If you haven’t done it, just think of it as someone turning on a faucet that comes out your ass. And it proceeded to do that off and on- but mostly on- until about 5:30 the next morning. Without getting too graphic, it was not a pleasant experience. Of course the tumor they would find during the test didn’t make things any easier. I’ve been told I’m full of shit, but after that long night, no more!

Part 2: The Diagnosis

To say that you’re never prepared to hear “You have Cancer” is an understatement to say the least. It’s been a while since I first heard those words, and my memory of what exactly happened at that moment is somewhat jumbled. I remember just about everything that happened, but not necessarily the order in which it happened; the brain is an amazing machine.

My girlfriend met me at the Dr.’s office to hear what I knew was going to be bad news- I just had no idea it was going to be as bad as it was.  When we got there, the Dr. told us that it was more than just a polyp with some cancer cells in it; that it had spread to my liver. We were dumbfounded and frozen. However my Dr. sprang into action and showed me that he was going to fight for me. He immediately gave me the name of the Oncologist he wanted me to see, and made an appointment for me the following Wednesday. I asked which surgeon I was going to see and he told me whichever could get me in the quickest and wanted to keep his business. He made an appointment for me with a surgeon, also on Wednesday (which was turning into the first of many long days of Doctor’s office visits). The next day his office called and said they had made an appointment with a different- but equally as good- surgeon for Monday. I have been very lucky in an unlucky situation in many ways- my Dr’s being excellent is the first I will mention.

As my Dr. was springing into action, I was still dumbfounded and frozen. My first thought was “I‘m going to die”, followed faster than I can type it by, “I don’t want to die.” The latter was a thought I would have, and still have repeatedly. It’s hard to express how you feel when someone tells you “You have Cancer.” You really do see that sentence being a sign that your life is over. You start thinking about all the things you wanted to do, all the things you thought you had time to do, and didn’t. You think of the people you love and how much it will hurt to leave them, and how much it will hurt them when you’re gone. We always assume tomorrow is a given. Cancer changes that in an instant. The funny thing is, outside of Cancer killing me, I still assume tomorrow is a given. I don’t worry about getting hit by a bus, or an asteroid, or any other of the myriad ways I could die; but everyday I have thoughts about Cancer killing me.

Part 1: I and Cancer or The Adventures of Me and My Semi-Colon .

This is the first part of my story about having Stage IV Colon Cancer- the overall arc of what has happened. I will be going back and detailing certain episodes at a later time. “The Adventures of Me and My Semi Colon” begin here…

At 45 years old “I” and “Cancer” are not words that go together in a sentence. Not that there’s ever a time when “I” and “Cancer” go together in a sentence, but at 45 they are incongruous to say the least. Be that as it may, in April 2014 I was forced to put those words together when I found out I have Cancer. Not just Cancer, but Stage Four Colon Cancer that had metastasized to my liver. Ironically a month earlier I had a physical exam, including blood work and was declared to be in good health.  

So how did I go from being in good health to having Caner? Constipation. I started having issues with constipation. I called my Primary Care Doctor. He put me on a stool softener/laxative and told me that I would need to eat more fiber. So I started taking the stool softener/laxative, and was lax on the fiber in my diet part (I’ve always been a picky eater). After a couple of weeks nothing was changing- in fact things were getting worse. I never knew how much not being able to poop can ruin your day, or days. Once again I called my Dr. and he asked me when my last Colonoscopy was. I told him, “I’m 45, I’ve never had a Colonoscopy”. He said, “You will now- make an appointment”. I called a Gastrointestinal Dr. and made the appointment. The day of the test came about a week and a half later (I’ll spare everyone the details on the preparation- for now). My girlfriend drove me there, and we went in without much of a care- figuring it would be Irritable Bowel Syndrome or something treatable like that. After the test was completed, I groggily awoke to a nurse and a printed report that had the word “tumor” on it- with a picture of a black mass. I don’t remember much, being that I was still feeling the effects of the drugs used to knock me out (I don’t know how I managed to get dressed without help, since when I got into the car I couldn’t even fasten my seatbelt). I do remember being told that they were sending a biopsy of the tumor out to a pathologist. On another note, I had foolishly (quite foolishly) told the Dr there was no one else to tell the results to. In my defense for this we weren’t expecting a tumor- and we had only been together for a few months- so why would she need to be told? Just a tip to anyone out there- if you’re in a relationship with someone, let the Dr. tell them what’s going on- for the rest of your health.

It took a week for the pathology to come back. A long week in what would be the first of many long weeks. My Primary Care Physician told me there were Cancer cells in the polyp they found (the tumor), and that they would remove it surgically, and while it would be an ordeal, it would be fine. He sent me for a CAT Scan of my pelvis and abdomen, which was “just routine”. So I had a CAT Scan with contrast the next day. Two days later the Dr.’s office calls at 3:38 PM, and tells me the Dr. wants to see me at 6:15 P.M. I was at work, and immediately my mind was racing. When you’re expecting test results, and the Dr. wants to see you, and see you that day- at 6:15 PM- you know you’re screwed. When I got there, that’s when I got the news that would change my life and the lives of those who care for me forever. Not only was there a tumor in my colon, but it had also metastasized to my liver. My Dr. then told me “Go home, have a drink, cry, get a good nights sleep, get up in the morning, get your shit together and get ready to fight.”