Part 2: The Diagnosis

To say that you’re never prepared to hear “You have Cancer” is an understatement to say the least. It’s been a while since I first heard those words, and my memory of what exactly happened at that moment is somewhat jumbled. I remember just about everything that happened, but not necessarily the order in which it happened; the brain is an amazing machine.

My girlfriend met me at the Dr.’s office to hear what I knew was going to be bad news- I just had no idea it was going to be as bad as it was.  When we got there, the Dr. told us that it was more than just a polyp with some cancer cells in it; that it had spread to my liver. We were dumbfounded and frozen. However my Dr. sprang into action and showed me that he was going to fight for me. He immediately gave me the name of the Oncologist he wanted me to see, and made an appointment for me the following Wednesday. I asked which surgeon I was going to see and he told me whichever could get me in the quickest and wanted to keep his business. He made an appointment for me with a surgeon, also on Wednesday (which was turning into the first of many long days of Doctor’s office visits). The next day his office called and said they had made an appointment with a different- but equally as good- surgeon for Monday. I have been very lucky in an unlucky situation in many ways- my Dr’s being excellent is the first I will mention.

As my Dr. was springing into action, I was still dumbfounded and frozen. My first thought was “I‘m going to die”, followed faster than I can type it by, “I don’t want to die.” The latter was a thought I would have, and still have repeatedly. It’s hard to express how you feel when someone tells you “You have Cancer.” You really do see that sentence being a sign that your life is over. You start thinking about all the things you wanted to do, all the things you thought you had time to do, and didn’t. You think of the people you love and how much it will hurt to leave them, and how much it will hurt them when you’re gone. We always assume tomorrow is a given. Cancer changes that in an instant. The funny thing is, outside of Cancer killing me, I still assume tomorrow is a given. I don’t worry about getting hit by a bus, or an asteroid, or any other of the myriad ways I could die; but everyday I have thoughts about Cancer killing me.