Interlude 3: Eternal Sunshine of My (Not So) Spotless Mind

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted an update. Honestly, my concentration level hasn’t been there, and neither has my patience. While my story is not over by any stretch of the imagination, I’ve had a hard time continuing to write about it. The most recent news: I’m still in remission, and my latest CAT Scan showed only one lesion left on my liver (which has been stable for about 6 months), which is great news considering I was told that when I started that my liver was more disease than liver and looked like Swiss cheese. Since the liver regenerates, where there were lesions, there is now healthy tissue. Would it be better if the last one was gone? Of course, but I’ll take being down to one. More good news- the amount of chemo I get has been reduced (I no longer have to wear the cursed pump after the infusions- though they still happen every two weeks for three hours). Of course, things always seem to be a mixed bag. My CEA number has steadily risen and is now at 2.1. If it rises over 2.5 for two tests in a row I’m back on full chemo. So, while I’m trying to stay positive, it feels like that number, and full chemo is out there waiting for me. And while the physical problems are still vast and varied, it’s the mental ones that have been getting to me more lately. How do you keep your mind out of the rabbit hole of worry and anxiety about dying of Cancer and the effect that will have on those you love? How do you forget about Cancer, and remember to live your life?

“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is one of my favorite movies. It’s the story about a man (Joel, played by Jim Carrey) who after a painful breakup discovers that his ex-girlfriend Clementine (played by the amazing Kate Winslet) has undergone a procedure to have all memories of him and their relationship erased from her mind. Joel decides to undergo the same procedure. The film explores the intricacies and intimacies of relationships. A good deal of the film takes place inside Joel’s mind as his memories are being erased. There comes a point in his journey where Joel decides he doesn’t want to erase his memories of Clementine- that they weren’t all bad. He’s on his knees and screams: “I want to call it off! Can you hear me? I don’t want this anymore! I want to call it off! Is anybody out there?”

I know exactly how Joel feels. No, I haven’t had any memories erased; I was diagnosed in April 2014 with Stage IV Colon Cancer. I’ve been on Chemotherapy every two weeks for 18 months, with a break to have colon resection surgery. I’ve endured a string of at best uncomfortable, at worst incredibly painful side effects. Yes, I’m currently in remission, but as I’ve written about before, the disease is still there in my blood, like an internal Sword of Damocles. There’s barely a day that goes by where I don’t mentally yell those same words Joel did in the movie. “I want to call it off! Can you hear me? I don’t want this anymore!” It’s the pervading thought in my mind. It’s become my mantra. I wish I could have it erased. However, unlike Joel, I don’t have a choice about whether I want to do this or not. You can’t choose to not have Cancer once you do.

This has led me to wonder where I fit in the scheme of things Cancer-wise. On the one hand I do have Stage IV Cancer, and that’s real and serious and life threatening. On the other hand I’ve had a great response to treatment and am doing better than most in my situation. My Oncologist told me that they have protocols for people who do poorly, and they have protocols for people who are doing average. What they don’t have is protocols for people who are doing above average. One of the main reasons for that is it’s so rare to do well (though it’s getting less rare as more and more drugs are being created to combat this scourge). I am a member of a couple of online Cancer groups, and I see people on there who are doing worse than me in one way or another; bad reactions to the chemo, colostomy bags, no support, no insurance. That brings an odd combination of feelings: luck, fear and guilt. I’m lucky that I’m not them. I’m lucky to be doing so well in a bad situation, I fear ending up like them- or worse, and I feel guilty for not doing as poorly as others, and for not wanting to be like them. It’s an odd sensation to feel lucky about my incurable Cancer. In our house we call it being lucky in an unlucky situation. But it’s still Cancer. It’s still always there, and it’s very difficult to forget.

There are times I do forget what’s happening to me. Spending time with my wife, going to a movie, playing poker, swing dancing, and hanging out with friends are all things that even if only for a brief amount of time allow me to forget about this trauma that is Cancer and how it’s affecting me. These are good things. These are things I don’t want to forget, however I would like- with all of my being- to forget about Cancer. Unfortunately, like Joel, no matter how much I want to call this off, I can’t. Mary (played by Kirsten Dunst) from “Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind” sums this up with a Friedrich Nietzsche quote: Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders.” I never thought that being able to forget something would be so precious- even if it’s just for a little while. Now I know better.