Interlude 2: How Can You Laugh At A Time Like This?

About a month after I started treatment I went to a party for Memorial Day. It was one of my first times out with our group of friends since being diagnosed, and I was quietly trying to enjoy myself while dealing with the side effects from my 3^rd round of chemo. Funny thing about the side effects is that there always seems to be at least one bothering you at any given time. My girlfriend was driving back from Jacksonville, and was going to be joining the party when she got back in town.

            After a while as I wandered into the house from the patio I came across 2 women striking strange poses and taking selfies while doing so. I just stood and stared when one of the women who I’ll call “Rose” saw me standing with a blank expression on my face and asked, “What, don’t you appreciate art?” I just kept my blank stare, and said in as deadpan a manner I could muster, “I guess not.”  Friends in the kitchen started snickering at this point, because I am an artist and art professor- which Rose was unaware of. The other woman laughingly started making smart-alecky remarks for Rose, which I corrected- she was a bit buzzed as well.

Woman: It’s not like he makes art

Me: Paint and draw

Woman: It’s not like he paints and draws and is teaching art classes…

Me: Art History right now.

Woman: It’s not like he paints and draws and is teaching an Art History class and has a painting in a gallery:

Me: Drawing in a museum

Woman: It’s not like he paints and draws and is teaching an Art history class and has a drawing in a museum…

And At that time I proudly did have a drawing in a Nationally Juried show in a museum. All the while Rose is not paying attention to the bantering between the other woman and myself. She is half-drunkenly explaining to me how I should appreciate art, and how it would make my life better. Finally she pauses, there’s dead silence in the room (the snickering had died down), she looks me straight in the eye and says, “You’re just a dying person!” I stood there, and calmly said, “Yes. Yes I am.” At this point everyone else in the room falls down laughing hysterically. Rose looked around puzzled at why everyone is laughing, and left to go outside and get in the pool. In addition to not knowing I was an artist, Rose didn’t know I had Cancer.

            At this point my girlfriend arrives from her drive back from Jacksonville, and after saying hello she also goes out to the pool where she sees Rose. They’ve known each other for years but hadn’t seen each other in a while so the usual “catching up” conversation ensued. I’m told it went something like this…

Rose: How’s everything going?

My Girlfriend: That’s a loaded question- are you sure you want to know?

Rose: Yeah, sure what’s up?

My Girlfriend: Well things have been a little rough- Howard’s having trouble working.

Rose: What does he do again?

My Girlfriend: He’s the Coordinator of Media Arts and teaches Art History at The Art Institute.

At this point Rose’s face showed a little recognition of the previous conversation, and she started to look uncomfortable.

My Girlfriend: Of course everything’s been rough since he was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer and started Chemotherapy.

Rose: (jaw hanging open) What?

My Girlfriend: But I’m optimistic that everything’s going to be okay…

Rose: (looking more stunned) What?

I can only assume at this point that Rose finally understood what was going on, why everyone was laughing and that she had just- quite innocently- stuck her foot in her mouth. My Girlfriend left Rose at that point to come back inside. Rose proceeded to get drunk, and left the party without saying good-bye to anyone. As a matter of fact no one really saw her until another friend’s bridal shower- 3 months later!

I wasn’t mad at Rose. Quite the contrary, I was bemused. She was completely innocent in what she did- there was no malice there. That’s where the humor lies. She was embarrassed for a long time (which I feel bad about), but the last time I saw her, I asked if I could tell that story here, and that I would leave out her real name. She said it was okay, and to call her Rose.

I like to think I have a pretty good sense of humor, and I truly love to laugh and hear laughter. I think most people feel they have a good sense of humor- though I did know one woman who once said that she had a great sense of humor but didn’t like to laugh. That puzzles me to this day. After getting the initial diagnosis of Cancer there was no humor. There is shock, fear, anger and dread. After these initial feelings wore off, I found the humor- or so I thought.

I had to find the humor (or at least try to) or I would have just curled up in a ball in some corner crying and never come out. At first a lot of it was gallows humor. I remember a time when a friend found an app that would age a picture of you 30 years. After showing a few results from other people, my response was “I hope I’m around in 30 years- hell, I hope I‘m around in 10.” Ouch. It was an attempt at humor, but not a very good one. There was a lot of “humor” like this for months after I was diagnosed, and it wasn’t fair. One friend even told me that he’d never win an argument with me again- and he was right- even though I didn’t want him to be.

After you’re diagnosed with Cancer, there is no guide on how to deal with it. Anyone who tells you how to deal with it doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Even someone who has Cancer can’t tell you how to deal with your disease. You don’t know how you’ll deal with having Cancer until you have Cancer (and I hope no one reading this ever has to deal with it or deal with someone they care about having it). I dealt with it through humor. Unfortunately the humor I was using after the diagnosis was humor that made other people feel uncomfortable. Then again, having Cancer, me just walking into in a room makes some people uncomfortable.

To tell the truth, at first I wanted other people to feel uncomfortable- though not consciously. I wanted them to feel, even for a minute, something close to what I was feeling, mostly because I didn’t want to be alone in all the crappy feelings that were always there for me, and I was trying to make sense of my new reality. I didn’t want to have Cancer. Unfortunately no amount of joking- good or bad- will ever change that. As time passed, I realized what I was doing; I was making people I care about feel bad. I didn’t, and don’t want to do that. The thoughts are still there, but I do a better job of keeping them to myself. I want to take this opportunity to apologize to those that I care about that I’ve made uncomfortable. I’m sorry, and thanks for bearing with me while I continue to figure things out.

So, to answer the question, “How can you laugh at a time like this?” I have to, or I wouldn’t be able to function; laughing brings me some much-needed joy, and helps me keep my sanity.